The Protector

It happened in a flash

I didn’t expect you

I was not alone

But wished I had of been

Because then I could’ve felt free

The one

I did not believe

Surely its lust

Surely this can’t be real

Surely this is not how I feel

I felt like a bad person

I was not single

I tried to stay away

But there you were

Every night

It’s just a hug I’d say

He protects me

He cares

But he’s just a friend

Then the question

I asked you

Are we just friends?

No

I walked away

But wanted to stay

I wanted you so much

But I’d always had such bad luck

Like a thunderbolt that never went away

I dreamed of you

You should have seen my face

When you would message me

When I saw you

It’s described like a shining beaming light of pure joy

No one could compete

And yes when it ended with the other

I did not fall straight into your arms

But I did not know enough

I have to protect myself

Protect my heart

For I knew that if you broke it

I’d never ever recover

For now I know

That I will never let go of your hand

You may be concerned

When you think of my past

But please know

You’re the first true love I’ve had

And when I look at you I see a future

There’s no best before with you

This is it

So get on with it

Cause it’s going to be a very long ride

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You’re Haunting Me

Why are you haunting me?

Why are you doing this to me?

I was myself and you said you loved me

But that’s not true

At least not unconditionally

You took her words and made them your own

And although you may not yet see

Another woman will come along

And realisation will be strong

What gets me the most

Is you won’t let me move on

I’m ready

But your words to others are strong

You’re haunting me

Our mutual friends have stayed

But I now know that you’ve caved

You’ve taken our secrets

And spread them along

Making damn sure

Nobody gets in

It hurts that you would be so immature

Even though when you shut the door

I was calm

And wished you well

I assumed that you would do the same

But whilst you have some growing up to do

I have some naiveté to get through

What you can’t understand

Is although I may look the strong woman

I’m terrified everyday i go out

But I force myself to seek out help

Let me be

As others have done

And so what if I kiss your friend

Because in the end

When all is said and done

You left me

For being me

But not as usually strong

Love is not a game

Its hard work

But you listen too much to others

To know that you fucked up too

All I want is to move on

No drama

No tears

But you’re not going to let me do that

You don’t want to be proved wrong

Well get this

After you’d gone the friend you confided in

Made his move and strong

So understand that those you trust

May have an ulterior motives

I wish you well

But don’t deny

You haunt me

And I’ll just sit and smile

Tease

Fuck it.

It’s happened before.

And I can handle it.

But why should I?

And why should she?

It’s difficult to not be like them.

It’s difficult not to follow .

When you do that again and again.

I don’t wanna be a man hater.

I don’t wanna lose faith.

But come on.

For fucks sake.

It’s a kind of betrayal if you think about it.

It’s a kind of tease.

You lure me in with your niceties.

And then do as you please.

Well fuck your charm.

And fuck my agenda.

I am who I am.

And I’m not backing down.

You take the high road.

Like you’re so much better.

I look like a damsel.

Well honey fuck that shit.

Cause I’m coming back stronger.

You wanna buy me a drink?

You wanna hug me hello?

You wanna tell me I’m pretty?

Then expect me to be a ho?

You do realise no is a word.

And I know there’s nothing wrong with your hearing.

Cause two seconds ago you were bragging your perfection.

But what’s done is done.

And there is no going back.

But I’ll tell you one thing.

I will get you back.

Cause I’m a strong woman.

And I don’t hate men.

But you’re not a man.

You just haven’t realised it yet.

A Dream or A Ruse?

You are like a dream come true.

But you wake up from dreams.

Sometimes part way through.

I wanna skip to the end.

I wanna know the truth.

Is this dream real?

Or are you a ruse?

I find it hard to look at you.

I find it hard to say what I know to be true.

I wanna know all about you.

I want to seek out the truth.

I’m not used to someone like you.

And no it’s not cause you’re nice.

It’s because in my mind you only tell me half the story.

And yeah before you say it.

I do that too.

But I did say I love you.

Silence is golden so they say.

But God did it hurt when there was nothing to say.

So what now?

Where do we go?

Do I stick around and hope for the best.

Or is this just one big gigantic mess?

I look back at my past.

It was easy to be the tart.

Complete control.

Or at least it looked that way.

Now you’re in my head.

And I can’t get away.

I say please don’t hurt me.

But to tell you the truth.

I’m already hurt.

And I can’t tell if it came from you.

Because let’s face it I’m not used to you.

And it’s not cause you’re nice.

It’s because you didn’t tell the truth.

I wanna know.

Not knowing drives me crazy.

But more than that.

I can’t believe I did that.

I was vulnerable.

I was weak.

I was an idiot for not letting you lead.

And yes I’ve said it to others before.

And yes I meant it.

But let’s consider this.

You’re only number four.

Remember what you know.

Think of my history.

My virginity went long before you met me.

So number four.

What will it be?

Cause I’m thinking you need to tell me.

Or leave.

But no.

Don’t do that.

Why move so fast?

But God why did I have to be the one to start?

I know it’s not a game.

But honey I can’t help it.

I’ve placed my move.

And I don’t want you to reject it.

So what’s it gonna be.

I just hope you choose me.

Boy Wonder

You looked at me with those innocent eyes and spurted your life

I looked at you right in the eye whilst you tried to dazzle me with your tries

All I could think is I’ve done it again

Found a boy who doesn’t get it

Anxiety and sadness but what about me?

When will I find a knight to save me?

I listen and listen and again I wonder

How is it I manage to find these boy wonders?

Like you think your world is worse than mine

Honey I’ve done all at least twice

But still you’re here

And now I feel guilty

I should give you a chance

And hopefully you won’t be too needy

You look at me with those innocent eyes and all I want is you to be by my side

But part of me feels you’re needing someone strong

That ain’t me

I’m too far gone

That Damn Cake

I pierce you with my hook through a charade of coy innocent looks.

Puppy dog eyes and a dash of independence used when good.

Eight years and a week is all it took.

Was it the cake?

Was it the Aspall?

Both were good.

Eight years and a week was all it took.

Some kind of caramel top with a chocolate base.

Sumptuous and sweet just like the game I played.

Then the drink,

just one.

Now four.

The lack of food makes me tipsy and I think you know this,

so you offer me more.

What a bake off!

And then my phone number.

And that chest.

I do love the chest.

I don’t understand you.

You think you understand me.

You think you know me.

You know nothing.

Confessions are weak and hard to take.

I ignore the urge when you poise your finger.

I forget.

It doesn’t really matter.

I hope you’re clean.

What’s really going on?

It definitely started with that cake.

Everything is just fine, it’s easy in fact.

I’m enjoying myself.

I want it.

I need it.

Forget it.

I’m good at what I do.

In fact I’m better than you.

You try your luck with my friends.

Big mistake, I just fucked your mate.

You do it again and fail.

I get another.

Stop trying.

I can laugh in your face.

You try to call me out.

I do not cave.

I’m innocent I say.

This pussy is too good to walk away.

Then there is your finger again and the table slides sharply across the floor.

It’s good.

It’s very good.

I want it.

Do it again.

Then you try to talk to me and I’m bored.

So back to the drink again and you buy me some more.

And it’s fun.

You’re fun.

What am I doing?

I should stick to this one.

Then we’re alone and you touch my breast and a rush of feelings start to creep.

Shit.

I’m cold and step away.

This only makes you want it more.

That damn cake.

That damn sumptuous taste.

Are you clean?

What’s she like?

What do you think of me?

Do you respect me?

Do you want me?

And then.

I climb.

I know I don’t want you.

But I want you to want me more than anything you’ve ever known.

I want full control.

And then I drink and it’s nice.

We have pizza and bless the kitchen sink.

And it’s good.

It’s fun.

Then back to work and God this headache.

And there you are again with your chopped bananas and your funny accent.

Fuck it.

Do it again.

That damn cake.

That damn good cake.

Fuelled

(Fuelled with Resentment)

I think I feel numb.

 

You’d rather do That than please me.

 

(Fuelled with Resentment)

I think I feel numb.

 

Yet you say you want to be One.

 

You’d rather do That than please me.

 

I’d understand more if you were dumb.

 

But we both know you’re not.

 

(Fuelled with Resentment)

I think I feel numb.

 

It can’t be me.

 

It can’t be my fault.

 

You’d rather do That than please me.

 

Yet still you’d rather embrace the past than see how far we’ve come.

 

You’d rather protect all of it than me.

 

(Fuelled with Resentment)

I think I feel numb.

 

I don’t know how much further I can go, for we don’t let each other be.

 

Perhaps it is all me.

 

You’d rather do That than please me.

 

One day we’ll start to have fun.

 

Though perhaps for that to happen you need to be free.

 

(Fuelled with Resentment)

I think I feel numb.

 

You’d rather do that than please me.

It

I hope,

I pray,

I continue to get ready every day,

nothing.

 

I dream of your touch in some way,

every time you brush past,

I start to hope.

 

You touch my foot and I shudder,

I await more but nothing arrives.

 

We sleep,

side by side,

but all you do

is turn the other way.

 

I prepare myself every day

just in case,

but you don’t even notice.

 

I hope and pray,

I spend more time on how I dress.

 

I apply more to my face,

I go casual,

I go plain,

nothing.

 

We go out,

others take their chance,

but still nothing.

 

We talk and change the circumstance,

nothing.

 

I change slowly,

I ask for a back rub

no,

nothing.

 

I hope and I pray,

I get ready every day,

but still nothing.

 

I ask if everything is okay,

it’s not.

 

I change,

we try,

still,

nothing.

 

Depression seems to be in the way,

I try to move her,

nothing.

 

Surely everything will be okay,

nothing.

 

I hope,

I pray,

I continue to get ready every day,

nothing.

Wishing

(Just wishing – we)
still made love.

 

A year gone and I lied,

saying that we’re still the same.

 

Trying to be someone who puts you first,

but in vain.

 

Your works nearly done,

we’re about to move away.

 

Thinking that if we stayed,

we’d still leave.

 

(I’m just wishing – we)

still made love.